I’m a people watcher type of person.
I love gawping and ear-wigging, whether it’s a group of pensioners on a bus, sprogs, supermarket shoppers, it matters not. I’m a noseybonk, a snekker, a student of humans.
It astounds me how some peeps actually manage to breathe, let alone live long and prosper.
I was in a well known do-it-yourself store once, wandering around aimlessly, probably looking for tap washers or something equally inexpensive, when I strolled down the house fire aisle.
“Go and get a trolley then!” Said a wife to her hubby.
“Where from?” Asked the henpecked half brain.
“From the trolley rack out front of the store!” Shouted the wife.
I carried on walking up to the top end of the aisle, laughing to myself.
After gawping at something I could never afford, I returned slowly to the other end of the aisle.
The brow beaten halfwit had returned, with a trolley with a wobbly front wheel.
“Look at that, you couldn’t get a trolley that worked!” Bellowed the wife.
They stood there in front of the log effect gas fires, gazing at them as if they were from another world…
“I bet that would look fantastic in our front room!” Claimed the wife.
“Shall we get one then? I’d probably need some pipe to make it fit!” Said hubby.
With that he picked a boxed one from the shelf and put it into their wonky trolley.
Dear god, I thought, here’s a bloke who didn’t even know where the store kept their shopping trolleys, then came back with one with a wonky front wheel and he’s going to try to fit a new gas fire, along with copper pipe work and electrics???
Geez, that is scarey.
Another habit of mine, is comparing people to characters from film or TV.
The sheer numbers of “peeky blinders” lookalikes is deeply concerning.
They don’t watch TV, their other half does, yet they dress in flat caps, grow beards, wearing waistcoats, braces and brown shoes or ankle boots.
They often frequent around the local town centre pubs, supping “artisan” beers and ales, with fellow “peeky blinders” lookalikes, who may have a different slant on the outfit, yet still look exactly the same.
They hit the new golf driving range, or are members of an office five-a-side team.
They might look ok on the red carpet at a film premier, but out shopping for toilet rolls in aldi?
No. It does not. It’s not a good look.
We all know your wives are cajoling you on how they want you to look and dress.
Another frequent occurrence in the world of reality these days, are the riddlers.
These are the people that have injected so much horse blubber into their heads that they last had a line on their forehead, around 15 years ago.
Search engine for “The riddlers” and you’ll know exactly where I’m coming from.
These people also think nothing of paying one of their mates (who runs a nail bar) £30 a time, to stick plastic shit over the top of their finger nails, because they are too lazy to actually stop biting their nails and grow them.
Then the plastic shite is painted, but just to be quirky, they have their little finger painted in a different pattern or colour.
They follow this up with eyebrows that look like electricians tape or slugs, for another 20 notes, via “a mate” and will stay that way until about three weeks later, when their normal brows and beauty starts to come through.
Just when they start to look remotely normal, they start the cycle all over again!
I do wonder if any of their so-called mates are ever actually honest with them?
Why go through so much pain and expense every month?
For god’s sake people… be happy in your own skin!